trueblondej14

what a long week, starting from Saturday.
recital week+ work= week from hell.
But the first night of recital went well, and tomorrow im done : )
then i get to spend the weekend at silver lake relaxing and riding on the dunes.
So tomorrow i decided im dying my hair. IDK what color, but im bored again : /
Im also happy, really happy.
The happiest ive been in a long time.
Ive found someone who makes me smile everyday
Supports everything I do
and reminds me how amazing I am every single day
so all the haters, please zip it
: )

Today was the first day I listened to our song the whole way through since Feb.
How pathetic of me.
The more people screw me over,the more I miss the comfort of your arms.
Spending a day with your best friend I was able to pretend you were there.
I still can't see your car with out feeling sick.
I still can't see your name online with out feeling sick.
I still feel like it's not over,how do you feel?
I feel dumb for holding on when you have let go.
Oh god please save me.
I've begged with words.
Now I'm begging with silence.

When everything's made to be broken..
I still believe we are something that can't be.

On a scale of one to ten.
You could never understand.
: /

this past weekend, was the most refreshing Ive had in a while.
fresh breath of air.
thursday night Lauren and I traveled to Ann Arbor and I decided hw wasnt so important.
Friday morning at 1:30,Lauren and I were locked out of my home..glorious.
Friday I ditched class, and Lauren Rachel and I ventured to fenton house and discussed a plan for a tattoo : )
Then friday night i went to look at helmets with my dad at great lakes power sports,that place is my candy store.
I then traveled back on 23 south and went to applebees and the movies with all my loves
Sat night i got to see an old friend : ) i miss him an extreme amoount,he makes me smile,and he knows it.
I'm getting use to this single thing..a little bit..sometimes..lol
It's just hard when your at work and people are saying "just make up already,you guys are going to spend your lives together"
kill me.
I miss him and love him,and he will always have my heart. It will happen in due time,we know this.
I miss my friends,but next weekend looks promising

Blame it on the goose, got ya feelin loose.
And a little bit of chicken fried
: )

I am in such a depressed slum
I don't know where to do, what to do.
And as much as I love him, I hate him so much for putting me through everything he has this past month and a half
I would love to delete him from my entire life just to stop the constant hurt
It's as though everything means nothing now
The past year and a half..the rings..the love
Just gone, over night
As much as I want him in my life I can't change my feelings, and begin a friendship with someone who i cared so much for
uhhhh what to do.
i want a new job, and a new life
i want out of this hole
and i want him to figure out what the hell it is he needs to figure out
but for him, not for me, because I'm already down to nothing
its going to take a lot to fix me now.

SO I should be wrapped up in my homework right now, problem is Gale powered search sucks balls, along with the people working in this place, since I actually know more than they do. So now the article I needed to use is lost in cyber space because for some fucked reason it won't find the document by it's document number. Why give it to me Gale if I can't search with it.
JESUS
this past month has been..hmm..idk theres really not even a word for it.
I'm slowly moving on from my past,because it's what he wants, and hey I only wanted to make him happy for the past year and a half so why stop now?
My life wants me to spiral down hill but I'm just trying to make the best of it.
I honestly dont know where it all went bad.
One huge door slammed in my face, but I'm hoping that means many more will open up.
I don't want to let go, but at this point it's looking like my only option because he wants no part of this anymore.
Figures.
And I almost just cried in the mott library.good.
On the upside all my friends will be home tonight.
So I'll be drunk,that always helps.
FMLx100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
what ev.
Pass out at 3.
Wake up at 10.
Go out to eat,then do it again.
I can't wait to see my bffs
they always make things like this better
: )

So wow, what a weekend it twas.
I bailed on work so that I could venture out to Ann Arbor to party with some old friends,was it worth it? yes and no hah
The night started and ended, quite early for me.
I did 10 jello shots. Then filled a cup, not half, but close, with Bacardi limon, then mixed that shit with lemonade.
Then I was asked to do a shot of jose. welll I was a tad unaware it was a triple.
But after being called a pussy,shown the door, and was told to go big or go home, I had to.
Damn me. There was a group circled around me saying Don't do it, but the words had already been spoken, so game on bitches.
I licked the salt, downed the shot, took the lime. And felt the burn.
After about 5 maybe 10 minutes, I was most defently feeling it lol I stumbled around laughing for a while, talked on my dying phone (mind you its only about 11pm at this time) then laid on the futon to pass out. I awoke to more people I didn't know and asked someone to save my spot I was going to be sick. And ew embarrassing, I did. My apologies. Then I laid back down, maybe passed out again? And I was told by many not to move I looked like death lol All in all fun night, and now I know who are my real friends and who are not, such as jose, that lying cheating mother-fucker.AS for valentines day, amazing! : ) I wore my sexy little leopard print dress with my hair all done and made Brian dinner and did all the extra corny V day stuff. As soon as got there he smiled hugged me told me I was gorgeous and that it is impossible to stay angry with me
: ) I gave him his joke gift 1st, and after dinner I gave him the ring, and he was very very very happy with it, I was glad. And he gave me the new post secret book!!! lol that bitch is like my bible, i love them.Then we cleaned up I changed and Justy and Cari came over, we devoured most of Brian's amazing cake he had made then went to a sold out movie theater and then traveled to walmart for fun with toys(thats sounds worse then it is). Came back ate more cake,our friends departed and we laid in bed reading post secret.
I love that boy and my life : )

I am in such a funk.
Like so deep into a hole I'm not sure the sun can even find it's way down.
I never see or hear from my friends, I normally know they've made it into the 810 via facebook.
I see my boyfriend one, two times a week maximum.
The majority of my time is spent staring at my phone waiting for a text or phone call from the outside world letting me know there is still in fact life out there.
Unfortunately I am beginning to think that there is not too much life form out there any longer.
My days consist of school, school work, work..and yeah thats about it.
I want something to happen,what you ask.
Haven't quite decided.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I needed that, trust me.

I had an apparent mental break down last night.
Shockingly unexpected, but legit.
It was the hardest I've cried in quite some months.
Brian tried to calm me down with no such luck.
My breathing was in gasps, my sweatshirt covered in mascara.
I knew the reason for my tears, but at the same didn't.
My life feels turned upside down, and has for quite some time now.
All my friends are away at school, but even when they return home, they truly are still away.
I'm finding it more and more difficult to fill this void.
No amount of shopping, room change, or hair change can fix this.
I want my life back, i miss it immensely.
I woke this morning at 5:45 with puffy eyes, and dragged myself to work for eight glorious hours of standing on my feet.
The only amazing thing in my life currently is the complete turn around with my relationship.
It's meant to be I know this now.
Everyone at work jokingly calls him my future husband, and I'm okay with that.
I'm not afraid of that commitment anymore.
I am afraid although that somewhere I lost myself.
Dear life,
I don't know where you went..
But can you come back soon?
miss you.
love me.

p.s. on a lighter note, I'm in love with my hair. Blonde and bright red highlights are my fix for a while.

So..my plan is yet again, flushed down the toilet.
My talk with Brian last night did not go as well as planned.
I guess I didn't really assume it would, how well could he have taken the idea of me moving 13 hours away?
Either way I was expecting a little more support.
My heart is with him, but is also with the idea of leaving.
It's something I want SO bad, but a good point he made is is it worth leaving him behind?
Or is it worth throwing away all the work and all the progress we have made together?
Well no..but why does my plan continuously have to be put on hold?
It's just not fair.
So I assume I will be hanging my hat here for quite some time, and just continue to dream about NC state and beautiful weather year round.
*sigh*
but what are you going to do?
p.s. I'm dying my hair today, I'm in a funk and want something different
go figure.

I think I'm finally ready to see what else is out there for me.
I know that my life has more to offer me then staying in Grand Blanc.
It's not me, and it has in fact never been my choice for my life.
I stayed to be with the love of my life.
And I'm still with him, and in fact the happiest I've been in a long time.
But the point is, that is just a fraction of my life,
I feel like theres still a big part missing. I want to see the world,I want to have a lot of different life experiences.
Because what it all boils down to is, we only live once, and were only on this earth once.
Therefore, take advantage of it people!
I just can't sit around anymore thinking of all the things I could be doing with my life.
So I'm really considering moving to North Carolina to see where that takes me.
I'll miss everyone, but I can't handle the thought of regret.

I never understand why after break ups the girl always indulged herself in sweets.
And layed in bed crying.
And every where she went would have melt downs.
Well I understand now.
I have never felt this way after a break up in my entire life, and it ended on "good terms".
Whatever the fuck that means.
Girls act like that because it feels like part of you is missing,
you don't want to cry but it's your only reaction.
And everywhere you go, you think of him.
And you cry some more, even in front of people.
You want to see him, but at the same time you don't.
You want him to know that he means the world to you and all you want is to be with him.
But you can't seem too desperate to get back together.
You want him to see and realize all the things you do for him.
But you can't wait the time it takes him.
You know there's a chance for making up, but it kills you thinking of when it will happen.
Will he meet some one else?
Will he think it just wasn't meant to be.
It hasn't even been 24 hours.
I don't know what to do with myself.
I want to be friends, but i can't act like everything is okay.
All I want is for him to hold me and say everything is going to be okay..
but he's not mine anymore.
God..this sucks.

I'm getting burned out again
and it's coming on faster than before
I want this to work so bad, and I try to say that the good things out weigh the bad, but it's getting harder and harder to convince myself at this point.
What hurts the most, is sharing something personal with someone, and then having it put back in your face, but it was returned with no compassion, and with no realization that I was sharing something personal in my life to show where I've been, and what I come from, and that I trust him enough to share this.
I'm glad I have amazing friends that are there for me, and when they see I've changed my status to "miserable" they immediately step in and ask whats wrong, and offer an ear.
But not him.
I have to drag the question out of him.
And I'm glad I have amazing friends that remind me how beautiful I am inside and out, no matter what I'm wearing.
I only get that from him when I'm dressed to his standards.
I hate that I'm always doing nice things, and reminding him how much I love him every chance I get.
And I only get it from him when I tell him I'm nearing my end.
He tells me doesn't want to be that guy anymore, well baby if we keep down this road you won't be, because you wont be my guy.
I spend so much time defending our relationship,and explaining to people why I stick through it
but yet I get fucked.

-Side note: I stick through it because I love him more than anything, and I tell myself that it's worth it. I stick through it because he does make me smile. I stick through it because I'm myself around him and vice versa. I stick through it because deep down I'm terrified of losing him. I stick through it because I hope that one day he can share his feelings with me. I stick through it hoping that it's meant to be. I stick through it because I hope it will make him wake up and realize how much he means to me, and that if he feels the same, he'll show it-

I spend so much time trying to make him feel like he's special to me
yet I'm the one "picking fights" because I want to see him as soon as I get home from NC.
I know love can be strange, and hard, and complicated. But right now I'm just looking for my 15 minute pass of freedom from all the complications.
I'm looking for my boyfriend to tell me he loves me without it coming from my mouth first.
I'm looking for compassion from him and his true feelings.
Damn.
This hurts.

I don't ever tell anyone anything, and I'm not use to saying "I'm hurting". I put a smile on my face and push through. But my lips are starting to quiver and my smiles' not so strong, evidentially..I've kept this smile for way too long.

So I'm on vaca in North Carolina to visit my sister for 2 1/2 weeks
and so far a break from panera is amazing.
But about a month ago my boyfriend put my trust for him on hold when I found a disturbing text in his phone.
He's not much too good at sharing his feelings, but I know he loves me , would do anything for me, and couldn't bare losing me.
But what I found still makes me sick when I have to see her, or see that they still talk.
I have no respect for her, and he tends to get short with me when I continuously bring it up in conversation.
I've never put my heart and soul into a relationship for the very reason of getting hurt
and I was hurt, and can't seem to let it go.
I love him to death and know he would never touch anyone else,
but everyone worries.
Boredom should be taking me over sometime soon since I have nothing to pack my day with.
Ive also been dreading the fact that dance will not be in my schedule this year.
That kills me, 6 years of dancing, and now nothing..
dayum.
I need a change, I need color. But unfortunately I don't think I'm returning to red as a I planned.
I'm excited to see how college life turns out in the fall...
I'll leave you with that.
But it will be a change of style, you can count on that.

Boys. Men. Guys. No matter the age or label are a concept my mind will never grasp.
At the same time I'm not quite sure I want to.
I'm really fairly busy this week. I have a full plate in front of me and have no where near the time needed to consume it.
Speaking of consuming I feel as thought I am on my death bed.
Sure that may just be an exaggeration of my imagination.
But either way waking up and throwing up stomach acid for 10 minutes is not my idea of a good time.
According to the doctor I have a bacterial infection in my stomach, which can result in stomach ulcers.
It sounded like a truly exciting time to me, I don't know about you.
I'm changing, and I'm not sure if people have noticed.
I'm happy, I've realized that I have some of the most amazing friends, and I am using that to my advantage.
So if I act as though I don't give two shits. It's not a negative change, I can promise you this.
I just have no patience for the idiotic carelessness I once did.
I just wanted to share this.
Please don't judge.
Oh.
And I think I'm falling..
In an extremely good way, and if I hit bottom. I know who will be at the bottom
with open arms and hopefully a trampoline to catch my ass.

BTW: I'm quite excited for the foo fighters on Sunday night
: )
The End

Tell me how one morning a 10 year old woke up with heart problems
Tell me how a more than active 10 year old has now aquirred a disease where walking for 45 min gets him exhausted
Explain to me how this happens and why
Tell me whats going to happen to him
Tell me if he will ever be truly better
Tell me if he will be able to go back to his normal life
Someone please answer these questions for me because I'm done playing this damn guessing game..

It's official this christmas sucks. okay so first of all
Dylan went to the hospital yesterday at around 430 am
they then transferred him from genesys to hurley because they didnt have the staff to take care of him
so he is now @ hurley in the pediatric ICU
he had a virus that effected his heart. part of it isnt working and he is still expieriencing heart failure. he can only move a little in his bed otherwise its way to much strain on his heart
i stayed there last night and i got zero sleep.
he has and IV in one arm that has 3 tubes hooked up to him, a thing on his finger telling us how much oxygen hes getting, and due to a clog at 12am last night he had to have an IV put in his other arm
he also was not getting enough oxygen so while he sleeps he has to wear an oxygen mask
last night i woke up everytime he moved b/c he cant lay on his side, i woke up everytime his machine beeped saying he wasnt getting enough oxygen
i woke up every 15 min when it took his blood pressure, and i woke up to check how high his heart rate was
the highest i saw it get last night 188 which is not good
right now we've kept it at about 140-155
this christmas is hell
trying having a 10 year old ask you if hes going to die, then we will see how your doing
and now im at home with cameron because he is sick..
tomorrow brian and I will most likley spend the day with dylan and I may spend the night if not tomoorw then thursday
well i hope everyone had a good christmas..

so you know what i hate. how gay parents can be.
so tonight is the twins' last night and i had to work from 330-630
and i promised them tonight was movie night
i called my mom at 645 when i was able to leave and said i was grabbing food, then i would be home
well stupid me for assuming that she would know I was eating my food there.
I got home to pissed off parents and the twins being in bed at exactly 730.
so i asked what was going on, my mom said they threw popcorn and had to go to bed.
so i kissed them and went out into the kitchen where i was then bitched at by my mom.
she said i lied to her and that grabbing food meant i was getting it and bringing it home.
so nt some sort of fucked up way i lied to her.
because again according to her i told i story that i was able to "dance around"
which in no way shape or form is true.
She said i disapointed them and knew what time they went to bed..even though it was there last night so i assumed they would get to stay up late
again, stupid me.
she also then refused to take their movies on a trip..which really pissed me off..
so i was bitched at and told if i lied again my car would b taken away until i learned how to come home..
ya a crock of shit i know..
if they do not wake me up tomorrow b4 thet leave i refuse to talk to them
god im fucking fuming...
BITCH

I'm starting to realize I am feeling what everyone else is feeling..
summer fucking blows...
no other way to put it.
We all had such high expectations for this wonderful summer before we stepped into our last amazing year of high school...
and ultimetly..
we were let down.
so screw you summer.
bring on school.
at least im promised i will always see my friends.
and i can do w/e the hell i want cuz...
I'M A SENIOR BITCH.

wow, i havnt written anything in here in like a loooonng time but I'm bored, so here i go. So thursday night at Rachel's..oh baby lol i was first extremley sore from dance, but when i proceeded to run to close the door on melissa my knee hit the wall i slipped making the cat food/water go up in the air and on me, the floor and the wall, by falling i distracted Garrett who was trying to throw an icicle (sp? lol) and Melissa, he hit the wall and it then hit my foot,so i have a sexi bruise on my foot and a nasty ass bruise on my knee haha. Last night i went to puzzlers pub for cory's going away party..oo so much fun..lol my sister didnt want me to leave but i had to, i smelt like smoke and nasty men kept calling me hott and making noises at me.So at like 830 Jarred came to pick me up and we told everyone we were oging bowling buuut we didnt want to so we just drove around for like 2 hrs n talked n went down backrodes with a lot of snow..and got lost trying to fnd the express way...haha good times there. And then he wouldnt pull all the way into my driveway cuz he didnt wanna get stuck..oo baby ya..but then i went to bed at like 1030 cuz i was tre tired..today i wanna go to the movies or have like one person come over and stay the night..iuno, well theres my update, much love hoes